Dumbledore Is Gay!
by nikole stella
Summary: A muggle magazine about Dumbledore’s revealed homosexuality sets off a paling Ron, a fuming Snape, and a very confused Dumbledore. He doesn’t know he’s gay… or does he? Parody of Dumbledore’s revealed orientation
1. But He's Dumbledore

Hehe. I've wanted to write this forever. The story is just for a little laugh. This will probably only be two chapters long. Have fun reading! Please read and review.

Oh, and Harry Potter or anything related in this story does not belong to me. Only my plot and insane ideas can I claim.

Summary: A muggle magazine about Dumbledore's revealed homosexuality sets off a paling Ron, a fuming Snape, and a very confused Dumbledore. He doesn't know he's gay… or does he? Parody of Dumbledore's revealed orientation

Rated K+ for references to the hotness of Snape and sexual orientation

**Chapter One: But He's… **_**Dumbledore**_

"Hey, Ron!" Harry whispered.

"Shhh! Snape may hear you!" Hermione scolded Harry and turned back to Snape's lecture to catch up with any notes she may have missed in those few seconds she spoke.

"But I found out that Dumbledore is gay!"

"Noooo!" Ron said in disbelief. "Are you sure it's true?"

"You didn't know about that? I swear, it was so obvious," Hermione said a matter-of-fact, still taking notes. "It was all over the muggle news."

"But… he's… Dumbledore…" Ron slowly said, as if that would explain it all.

"It was _obvious_, Hermione?" Harry commented, doubt etching his every word.

"Well, of course. He never seemed interested in the female population. And I could remember him eyeing a few guys…"

Ron's face paled.

"Like who?" Harry's curiosity picked up.

"Well, Snape, of course."

Ron looked as white as a ghost.

"What do you mean 'Of course'?" Harry gaped at Hermione in horror.

"Oh, come on. Snape is not bad looking. If it wasn't for his snarky attitude," she paused to dip her quill in some ink and continued with her notes, "he would be one of the hottest teachers around. He's in great shape and he has nice assets as well. Why, just the other day, some of the girls were talking about how his voice sounds so-"

Ron whimpered, pleading silently to the gods to get something to shut Hermione up.

"Stop. I'd rather not hear why someone would even _try_ to fancy **Snape** of all people." Harry shuddered at the thought.

Ron gave Harry a grateful look and thanked the gods ten-fold.

"Well, you were the one who wanted to know who Dumbledore had his eye on," Hermione huffed.

"But isn't Dumbledore a little old to be liking _anyone_?!"

"Don't be daft, Harry. Dumbledore is too smart to carry out any of his interests. Think of what the 'Daily Prophet' would say! Rita Skeeter would have a field day!"

"You two can't be serious," Ron finally spoke up. "He's… **Dumbledore**!"

Hermione sighed, irritated. "Just because he's _Dumbledore_ doesn't mean that he can't have feelings and affections like any other human being!"

"So? He's _old_ and he's… _Dumbledore_." Ron crossed his arms and stubbornly waited for his best friends to come out of their little insanity. "The muggles are just lying. They don't know any better."

"Really, now? Hermione, do you still have that magazine?" Harry asked.

"Magazine?!"

"Yes. It's in my bag. Right on the top. Get it yourself. I'm not missing these notes," Hermione replied, still scribbling quickly on her parchment.

Harry watched to see if Snape was looking and snagged the magazine in the blink of an eye. He thrust it hurriedly under the table to Ron so that Snape wouldn't see.

"Can you believe it now?!" Harry exclaimed quietly, waiting for Ron's reaction to the magazine cover and article.

Ron's jaw dropped at the cover and was near speechless when he read the article. "But…but…"

"And just WHAT do you think you're doing, Mr. Weasley?!"

The Golden Trio jumped at Snape's voice that came from right behind them and Ron dropped the magazine in fright.

"I never expected you to act like Miss Brown and Miss Patil and bring _magazines_" he almost spat the word out, "to class. 15 points from Gryffindor."

Just when they thought that would be it…

"And ten points from each of you for gossiping in my class."

The whole Gryffindor section groaned at Snape's ruthlessness. That was 45 points out of their precious score. Ravenclaw and Slytherin were so close to catching up to them now. Malfoy and Zabini traded smirks.

"And now, pay attention! I was in the middle of the crucial point of the explanation of the most dangerous potions!"

The Trio stayed silent and hoped that Snape would walk away… but luck wasn't on their side.

Snape suddenly stopped on his way back to the front of the class when he saw the magazine cover. He quickly picked it up and scanned the article fleetingly, eyes widening when it mentioned Dumbledore's little affair with Grindelwald. They began to pop out when the article began to discuss how Snape might be a good candidate…

"What… _In_… THE… **WORLD**!!" his voice rising with each word.

The whole class cringed at Snape's volume.

Snape spun around, his robes practically flying, and glared down at Harry, Hermione, and the ever-paling Ron.

"You, three," he whispered, with the barest constraint of anger, "are coming with me to Dumbledore's office."

None of the poor targeted Gryffindors moved.

"**NOW!**" Snape roared.

The three Gryffindors ran out, but Malfoy had a little comment.

"Ha! Weasley, I never took you for one to read _girly_ magazines, but I guess it was pretty obvious. I mean, you do stray off course."

The Slytherins all laughed at the gay insinuation, but Snape was livid.

"DETENTION, MR. MALFOY! ONE POINT FROM EACH SNICKERING SLYTHERIN!"

All of the Slytherins instantly shut up. Was this really _their_ Snape that they all loved and adored? Did he really just take points from _them_?

None of their questions could be answered as Snape had already disappeared from the dungeon.


	2. I'm Gay!

**Chapter Two: I'm Gay?!**

Dumbledore almost seemed to be waiting for them, as always. The Gryffindors scrambled into the office, taking their seats in front of his desk, and began talking all at once.

"Headmaster! Please! I don't want to be expelled! I'll do anyth- "

"I didn't know anything about it! It was all Harry and Hermio- "

"I swear Professor! I think Snape's going to kill us and- "

Snape swooped into the office, reminding Dumbledore vaguely of a bloodthirsty Dracula, and the chatter immediately shut off.

The Headmaster smiled and calmly asked, "Lemon drop?"

Hermione, Ron, and Harry shook their heads minutely, almost afraid to move, as if it would set Snape off.

"We have more pressing issues than lemon drops to discuss, Headmaster," Snape snapped.

"Such as?" Dumbledore questioned politely, his blue eyes twinkling.

"This." Snape handed the magazine to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore stared at the cover for a while. Hermione couldn't take the silence.

"I'm **so** sorry, Professor! I never meant this to get out of hand! I was taking my _notes_. I was still paying attention. I promise!" she blabbered. "Please. If we can just- "

She was cut off by Dumbledore's laughter erupting in his office. All four of the other occupants of the room gaped at their Headmaster's reaction. Soon enough, he tapered off.

Wiping tears from his eyes, he said, "I'm gay?! Why, I was never notified of that little detail. And with Grindelwald! J. K. Rowling has done it again."

"Rowling?" Snape inquired with one eyebrow raised.

"So it's not true?" Ron asked eagerly.

"Of course not. Not that I know of, in any case." He began to read the article.

"And it was _obvious_, Hermione?" Harry jokingly said.

"Well," she sulked and crossed her arms, "it seemed likely."

"No, it wasn't! I mean, it's _Dumbledore_," Ron said proudly, happy that for once he got something before Hermione.

"Interesting. I never knew that Severus was just an appeal to people," Dumbledore commented lightly on the article's contents.

Ron's pallor seemed to return. Snape's eyes glared furiously at the Headmaster.

Hermione glanced warily at Snape then back at Dumbledore, "So you can see Professor Snape in a different light, right?"

"Why, of course. His voice has that sexy, silky tone that- "

"What is up with you people and Snape's voice?!" Ron bellowed.

"_Professor_ Snape, Mr. Weasley," Dumbledore chided.

"And what do you mean by '_you people_'?! I don't fancy Snape or his voice!" Harry retorted.

"_Professor_ Snape, Harry," reprimanded Hermione.

"Does it matter?!"

"It **does** matter if you wish to continue on with your despicable life, Mr. Weasley," Snape threatened.

"Don't terrorize the students, Severus," Dumbledore said, finished with the article and put the magazine on his desk.

"The reason I brought these…" Snape struggled to find a relatively nice way to tell what he wanted to say.

"Students?" Hermione offered.

"Angels?" Harry said and high-fived Ron, both laughing.

Snape glowered and towered over the Trio. "The reason I brought these utterly idiotic, insolent, infantile, selfish, ignorant, troublesome brats here- "

"I thought he was never going to end with the adjectives," Ron snickered quietly.

Snape pulled out his wand and was about to cast the worst, slow, torturous spell that came to his mind on the redhead when Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"I understand why you brought them here. I also am informed that you have already taken many House points. That, I believe, is sufficient enough punishment."

"So I'm not expelled?" Hermione said gratefully, adoration in her eyes towards the Headmaster.

"Of course not, Miss Granger."

"But the article- "

"Was muggle. These children have no control of what went into this magazine. You three are free to go."

Ron, Harry, and Hermione didn't need telling twice and rushed out. Being in Snape's angry presence was highly uncomfortable.

"This is absolutely ridiculous!" Snape said, turning on the Headmaster.

"I find it highly amusing." Dumbledore's eyes sparked with merriment.

"Just wait until I find out who this Rowling person is! I will get her! You mark my words."

"Please leave Jo out of this. She is very imaginative. I happen to like her. She's almost like a great granddaughter to me."

"You **speak** her?" Snape incredulously asked.

"Yes. She knows quite a bit about our world, considering she's only a muggle. I suppose she just needed to add a little spice to her stories."

"Rowling is a **muggle**? And she has been making stories about us?" Snape's astonished look almost caused Dumbledore to burst into another fit of laughter. But then Snape added conspiratorially, "She hasn't been _Obliviate_-d, has she?"

"Well, she could be a Squib, but that's highly unlikely. And do **not** _Obliviate_ Jo. She is an important person not only in the muggle world, but our world as well."

"I do not care. She will be taught a lesson whether she likes it or not." With that, Snape swept out of the office.

Dumbledore let out a little sigh. "I suppose it's time to increase Jo's security and alert the teachers to disarm and confine Snape to the castle for a while."

He wrote two quick notes, one to Jo and the other for McGonagall, and tied them to Fawkes so that they could be delivered.

Fawkes trilled softly, like he was asking a question.

Dumbledore replied, "I completely agree with you, Fawkes. I did notice how good Snape looks today and his voice is even better when filled with anger. I wonder of the possibilities… I guess I'll just stick to my imagination."

Fawkes seemed to smile with his eyes and flew off into the twilight sky.

"Maybe I'll even have a nice, wet dream about good old Grindelwald too while I'm at it."

THE END


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